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Not what I asked for

For months I took an alternate route home from work. It wasn't far off the beaten path... but different nonetheless. Everyday I would diligently take that detour, with the high hopes of seeing him. I was pretty sure this was the road he took home. If I could just catch a glimpse of him... that would be so great. Months went by. No no no. I never did see him in passing on that road.

Fast forward to yesterday... driving home with a tiller on the back of the truck to till up the back yard. I'm on the same alternate route,  but this is a different kind of ride this time. He is in the front seat next to me, laughing and smiling. I can barely wrap my little noggin around this. This is far better than what I originally thought I wanted... (to catch a glimpse.) Wow.

I start to laugh a little too, thinking about all of this. But he can tell I'm laughing about a secret something. He asks what's so funny. And so I tell him. Tell him how I took this road for months... to see him. My humility on the table. And, as it turned out, his work had moved, so this wasn't the route he took. Ha. And then he tells me that he thought I worked at a certain place too, and he drove by there every day on his lunch break, hoping to catch a glance of me. But, as it turned out, I worked in another part of the city... which was a short jaunt of 6 blocks, from the new location of his work. 6 blocks a part. This whole time :)

That there....

See that there? That little glimmer on the edge of the horizon? It's calling me.

It knows my name, and it's been beckoning me. Home.

I thought for sure that pain and sadness would be the epitome of my stay here. It looks like I could be very wrong. Which is absolutely received with open, willing, hopeful breaths, and a humbled heart.

:)

You'd think it was an earthquake. You'd think some heavy footed person walked behind you and the floor caved in with each step. You'd grab your chair... and you'd hang on. This must be it. You'd pray for safety.

... and then... several moments later (when things weren't falling off the wall, and no one else was in the house with you) you'd realize it wasn't another person, and it wasn't an earthquake. It was you; your heart panicking and beating so violently out of your chest. Because sitting home on a Friday evening after a long week at work is so terrifying, right? Watching the sun go down out the window facing west.

I thought I was safe. I was wrong. The panic attacks are back. And they are eating me alive.

I feel distinctly like the world is passing me by. I don't like this feeling. I keep trying to catch that life train, the happy train, the take-me-away train; I run and run and I always fall short.

When one is in a position of authority (at least perceived) or leading a group large or small, there comes a time when realization sets in, that another must be trained to fill those shoes. The one can't hold all the secrets, lead fearlessly, and then abandon the herd when death calls him home.

No doubt it's always nice to feel wanted, needed, affirmed. In the right mindset of a leader, it can be seen as a passing of the torch of sorts. But really no one is perfect. We know this. Why do we keep fooling ourselves that it would ever be anything different? Inside the fearless leader, is a leader filled with fear.

Though socially and morally, it is preferred and expected of someone in such a position...but the leader will secretly feel replaced, unworthy, and longing for a place in life... a position.

If for so long I've felt abandoned, what I naturally want to do is make those around me feel NOT abandoned. Prepare them for the future. Help them find their worth. Help lead them towards their niche. THEIR niche. Not mine. Really help nurture them to allow them space to find their own unique niche. Ideal for those being lead. But not for the 'leader.'

It's not that it's lonely at the top. That's not it at all. Or maybe it is. I don't know. I wouldn't know. I'm not at the top. I'm alone. And that's all it keeps coming back to. There is a pouring out of love, an endless river of support and encouragement... to others. But at the end of the day... I am still alone.

For a while, there is the venture and return of the others. As long as they return, there is a reason. Then it ceases all together. And then they don't. They don't return. And I realize they may not. They will be fine without me. Every one of them. They do not depend on me as they used to. The roles are reversed. If something (God forbid) was to happen to me... their lives would go on. I've prepared them well; they will be fine. Congratulations.

Death would be the easy choice, wouldn't it? It's the sitting there in the rocking chair on the deck, alone, that gets to me though.

'I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work.'

Perspective

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The Power of Words
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Apparently there's still hope out there to be had. That makes me happy :)
... and I love the piano.
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Don't you need a fountain of love? So come thirsty.