People problems

Incredibly inconsequential things that are really getting under my skin today

-people in the public bathroom who you can hear unrolling the whole roll of TP like their ass is the size of Texas. Common sense tells me that if you can fit in the stall, your ass is not big enough to need that much of a wipe

-people who come to talk to you (in the store, at work, where ever) and have just stuffed their face full of food- so even if you cared what they said- there's no chance of knowing what they are saying

-kids who whine and badger

-but even more so, the PARENTS of the kids who whine and badger, and are so oblivious. Come here, now get me a knife, and I'll tie your tubes for you right now. It'll do us all a favor

-people who are so vain (like I'm one to be talking right now, but screw that, this is MY blog) that they are more concerned about being perceived as correct instead of ever doing the right thing

-people who assume that their curiosity and nosiness for YOUR business automatically usurps your right to privacy. They, in fact, are exempt from any moral boundaries

-people who have no rhythm and are tone deaf. Furthermore, to clarify, not so much people with no rhythm who are tone deaf, but those who insist on being heard/seen and ruin it for the rest of us

-people who think that the WWE is a real thing. It's a man's play= the female version of a soap opera, with testosterone. I don't care if you like it, just don't try to tell me you actually BELIEVE what's going on

-Loud people. I swear you were given vocal chords and a set of lungs and I promise you that you have more than one volume. Use it! Switch thing up a little

-people who ask a question to everything that is said or done. Never to get a better explanation, nooooo... I really think they just want to hear themselves talk

The fence

Retreat. Emerge. Retreat. Emerge.

Retreat longer, closer to center, finding balance and peace. Emerge and feel that I've gained no ground at all.

Find a meaning, a mantra that coincides with with hope and how to get there.

Declare that this does not define who I am, just a step closer to revealing it.

Straddle the decision to fight this fight or just ride it out.

Hands

Hi. Here am I. It was necessary for a forced hiatus. Needed to hide. In the blog world I spew the good and the bad, mostly the bad, my bad, to try and gain perspective and insight. I needed none of that for 2 weeks. I didn't want any F-ing perspective, and no more F-ing insight. I needed seclusion from opinions, emotions, handling.

Don't handle me. Don't tell me how to be. I needed to be numb if I was to survive. Do you know that another word for numb, per Roget's International Thesaurus 5th Edition, is "to deaden." Insane isn't it that in order to maintain my living breathing life, that it became certain that I must DEADEN part of my hurting, feeling, intellectual being.

I donned my most impressive poker face and went about life for 2 weeks and didn't breathe a word into this very cynical, hating world. Back inside my darkened heart was a story too difficult to tell another, too impossible to make the words come out of my mouth. 1 day in and it was already out. My secret is out.

The phone rang that night just as I hoped I could disappear into a night of sleep. MB, is that you? I reply, this is she. I could never have mustered up the courage to approach this and so he came to me. I had not heard from him in close to 13 years when we had worked together. I saw your name on the blotter at 3am this morning, a victim of domestic assault. Are you ok?
(For clarification, there was no assault. He would never hurt me, intentionally. But I knew that something was not right; he wasn't ok, and I wasn't going to be either if I let that night proceed. Something had taken residency in his psyche and was not letting go. So I called for help as a last resort. Thank God they saw what I had seen. Not a violent man, just one who was very, very sick. They took him away... hopefully he can be kept long enough to get the help he needs. I need him. I need to be able to trust him.)

I am ok, and confused and angry and so very grateful that a hand reached out to show compassion, and now so very scared that this very private, personal matter is now not just contained inside my head where it is safe, but is out there for the masses to critique. Distort. Dilute. Invade. It is safe with him. But I don't trust the rest.

Last night I had a dream about hands. Healing hands that mean no harm, that want nothing in return, just to embrace, to keep terror at bay, and to protect. That is what I want: somebody to love and be loved by who can protect and when he says TRUST ME that I can believe it and have a peace and calm within my soul that trumps all fear.