That there....

See that there? That little glimmer on the edge of the horizon? It's calling me.

It knows my name, and it's been beckoning me. Home.

I thought for sure that pain and sadness would be the epitome of my stay here. It looks like I could be very wrong. Which is absolutely received with open, willing, hopeful breaths, and a humbled heart.

:)

You'd think it was an earthquake. You'd think some heavy footed person walked behind you and the floor caved in with each step. You'd grab your chair... and you'd hang on. This must be it. You'd pray for safety.

... and then... several moments later (when things weren't falling off the wall, and no one else was in the house with you) you'd realize it wasn't another person, and it wasn't an earthquake. It was you; your heart panicking and beating so violently out of your chest. Because sitting home on a Friday evening after a long week at work is so terrifying, right? Watching the sun go down out the window facing west.

I thought I was safe. I was wrong. The panic attacks are back. And they are eating me alive.

I feel distinctly like the world is passing me by. I don't like this feeling. I keep trying to catch that life train, the happy train, the take-me-away train; I run and run and I always fall short.

When one is in a position of authority (at least perceived) or leading a group large or small, there comes a time when realization sets in, that another must be trained to fill those shoes. The one can't hold all the secrets, lead fearlessly, and then abandon the herd when death calls him home.

No doubt it's always nice to feel wanted, needed, affirmed. In the right mindset of a leader, it can be seen as a passing of the torch of sorts. But really no one is perfect. We know this. Why do we keep fooling ourselves that it would ever be anything different? Inside the fearless leader, is a leader filled with fear.

Though socially and morally, it is preferred and expected of someone in such a position...but the leader will secretly feel replaced, unworthy, and longing for a place in life... a position.

If for so long I've felt abandoned, what I naturally want to do is make those around me feel NOT abandoned. Prepare them for the future. Help them find their worth. Help lead them towards their niche. THEIR niche. Not mine. Really help nurture them to allow them space to find their own unique niche. Ideal for those being lead. But not for the 'leader.'

It's not that it's lonely at the top. That's not it at all. Or maybe it is. I don't know. I wouldn't know. I'm not at the top. I'm alone. And that's all it keeps coming back to. There is a pouring out of love, an endless river of support and encouragement... to others. But at the end of the day... I am still alone.

For a while, there is the venture and return of the others. As long as they return, there is a reason. Then it ceases all together. And then they don't. They don't return. And I realize they may not. They will be fine without me. Every one of them. They do not depend on me as they used to. The roles are reversed. If something (God forbid) was to happen to me... their lives would go on. I've prepared them well; they will be fine. Congratulations.

Death would be the easy choice, wouldn't it? It's the sitting there in the rocking chair on the deck, alone, that gets to me though.

'I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work.'