Escape

I pick up a book and read it. It's entertaining because it allows me to escape. But then I've completely forgotten what I have just read. I sit at the piano. I can see the notes and hear them in my head. But I can not make my fingers play. I can not make them move. I shamefully admit at the meeting with admin that I actually have no idea what the answer is because I cannot seem to make one and one equal two. I know you need the answers and that you need them from me. There is not a logical way to explain that the synapses in this brain are simply not snapping. I can dump a mess of words into an email and hope the friend on the other end knows me well enough to translate this chaos. I search for an outlet. I relish each small accomplishment, and congratulate myself at the end of the day for a day with no panic attacks, nothing to self medicate, no mass suicides and no disappearing into never never land. Today thank God is almost over, and with any luck I can fall asleep and escape for several more hours.