It's amazing what:

pain will transform

jealousy will inspire

dreams will create

lies will build

suffering will uncover

time will numb

solidarity will weaken

people will ruin

music will cure

hindsight will feel

simplicity will produce

a soul will resist

a heart will believe

a touch will heal

faith will comfort

death will relieve

and silence will speak.

Chronically misunderstood:

Chronically misunderstood. Pathetic. Why even bother? Is this what life has come to? I know that what ever I say, what ever I don't say, however I respond or fail to respond will be pathetically distorted so far from the quiet, simple truth that there is no point to even speak up. Is it really worth all that effort when no is going to understand anyhow?

The days

There are enormous changes that are surfacing here. Just starting to take form and emerge. Some of these have been rooting for some time and are far more powerful than they first appear. Still others are just skimming the water while they plot the next calculated move. Each day as it passes will offer up the same familiarity:

"My dear child. You have worked hard and faithfully. You have sought honesty and compassion. You are not perfect, nor expected to be, but have never stopped working on your own soul to keep it in tune. You are now tired and weak and your diligence speaks volumes. Come this way my child and let me relieve your pain and give you rest."

You step forward in awe and anticipation and gratitude for even a moment's peace.

"I am sorry, my child. There has been a mistake. It is not your time. Please step aside."

Now you are faced with the choice: to step back into life under the heavy burdens and those to come, or do you forfeit all the ground you've gained and fold your hand?

Every day a new and beautifully real apparition appears and affirms your every need and every desire. Every day you believe the words that are spoken. Every day though will not be your day. Will you continue on, under the thickness of burdens, and believe every word, or will you throw your hand in and leave it all behind?

Sunday Spewings

I am utterly at a loss. There used to be a time when I could roll with the punches, ride things out, pick up the pieces - no longer.

Panic attacks are the most ridiculously retarded (sorry I know that's not the PC thing to say, but I'm just spewing here people!!!) thing EVER. I can no longer answer the phone. I will wait to see the caller ID (not that it makes ANY difference who is calling, because I won't answer) I'll let it go to voicemail, then check the message, then either text back or send an email. I cannot go grocery shopping without hyperventilating scared to death that I cannot pick out the right kind of bread because I cannot focus long enough to figure out which is which kind. They all blur together. I panic. Then I feel like people are watching me and though I'm not doing anything wrong, I instantly feel guilty. And guilt and panic are a really great twosome.

Some people keep adding layers upon layers of things to their lives. They need this gadget that will supposedly help them with that. And need this apparatus to make new communications possible which will help with this. But then you get so caught up in keeping up with each of these layers that there's not time or remembrances of what simple life originally was. Layer upon layer diluting every choice, every opinion, every feeling, thought, and dream. I've got to carve these layers back down to the core. I have fleeting memories of who I used to be. I need to get back there, and rebuild if necessary, or not... and just keep it simple.