Sunday Spewings

I am utterly at a loss. There used to be a time when I could roll with the punches, ride things out, pick up the pieces - no longer.

Panic attacks are the most ridiculously retarded (sorry I know that's not the PC thing to say, but I'm just spewing here people!!!) thing EVER. I can no longer answer the phone. I will wait to see the caller ID (not that it makes ANY difference who is calling, because I won't answer) I'll let it go to voicemail, then check the message, then either text back or send an email. I cannot go grocery shopping without hyperventilating scared to death that I cannot pick out the right kind of bread because I cannot focus long enough to figure out which is which kind. They all blur together. I panic. Then I feel like people are watching me and though I'm not doing anything wrong, I instantly feel guilty. And guilt and panic are a really great twosome.

Some people keep adding layers upon layers of things to their lives. They need this gadget that will supposedly help them with that. And need this apparatus to make new communications possible which will help with this. But then you get so caught up in keeping up with each of these layers that there's not time or remembrances of what simple life originally was. Layer upon layer diluting every choice, every opinion, every feeling, thought, and dream. I've got to carve these layers back down to the core. I have fleeting memories of who I used to be. I need to get back there, and rebuild if necessary, or not... and just keep it simple.