To be continued

I lead two lives for the most part. Not lies in contrast to each other, just two very separate, different lives. The one that I live outwardly allows me to leave the house and go to work each day. It allows me to grocery shop and chit chat along the way. It projects an air of contentment, though that’s not my intention. My intention is to just get through the day.

The other one is the one who is me on the inside. The one who thinks she’s over the past, until the nightmares return. Who thinks she has a handle on this life, and then the flashbacks start. The one who could never tell another soul face to face what has really happened. There are layers. If I manage to get through the first layer, I feel like I’ve already overspent my welcome in your world. I don’t want to burden you and bring you down.

I don’t want the pity. I don’t want that to be the reason they think I need to talk about it, when ever the day comes that I do.

I just want it all to go away.

I want to be able to share with the people who claim to love me. I want to tell them…not the REAL story… (because it’s all real, even the small part they may know) but I want to share with them UN-EDITED version. The other side, that sometimes fuels the ups and downs in my outward life. I want to tell them everything. To get it off my chest. I want to unload and not be the only one who knows these things. I want to know that those who love me…would still find me lovable after hearing the un-annotated version. Even if they found me lovable after they stories are revealed, would they find me lovable that I held it in for so long? That I don’t possess the grounding to know what I can and can’t share, and what I can and can’t be held accountable for?

The thought that they might not be able to do so, keeps me from ever speaking a word.

A friend, a GOOD friend, who knows me outwardly, and may have inklings of the inward me, asked me a question a few weeks ago. It was a very telling question. No matter my reply she’d know (at least I thought) exactly what my answer really was, even if I couldn’t voice it. I panicked. I panic and my heart rate soars, I sweat, I can’t catch my breath, my world starts spinning, I bite my lip to be sure no secret words spill out, I shake my head. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I just can’t be here in this moment. I want to run away. My eyes are heavy, my head throbs and all I want to do is go to sleep. I want to disappear. I want to be absolutely invisible.

Invisibility is my friend and incredibly more appealing than ever having to really put the words out there.