More than this

Seems last night was just a fluke. Too many meds, and too little compassion from the ever attentive wifey. Gosh that makes me feel good. Not. And today has been completely normal. Really. The hate hate that was boiling over wrenches me back and forth. How much am I to blame for this? Maybe I'm bipolar. How much is he to blame for this? Why is he the one with the "disease" and I am the one dealing with it. He chose to drink, and then it became excessive. He is recovering and I'm holding the fort down. But still a day like today is practically perfect. I couldn't ask for a man who was more caring, compassionate, loving. He can go off the deep end and I am expected to pull it all together. Wouldn't it be grand to have a man who could respectfully lead a family, be a bread winner, blah blah blah so on and so forth. Is chivalry really dead? I'm a romantic at heart. I like the idea of a man who takes control, who can be accountable. Did God make men masculine for a reason? Their bodies perfectly sculpted and strong. I know this falls on deaf ears. I wonder why I can't be happy with what I've got? I can momentarily and then the mind begins to wander and wonder what life would be like like this and like that. This isn't how I want to live my life. There's got to be more to it than this. I wonder how much mental illness is actually an illness. Or all we all crazy and all putting on a show to appear normal as possible. What if everyone was able to be who they really were on the inside and show it on the outside. I'd no longer be strung around by lies and games. At least I'd know the truth.