No one else

No one else would listen to these ramblings. No one else would understand the swirling, the confusion that hangs on every thread of my life. A constant coercion of intersecting points that keep recreating the past and never allow me to move forward. Things may have gotten better, and I don't like to complain, but if I keep pretending it never happens, I'm only adding to the confusion and feeding the lies. I don't drink and don't do drugs. Thought I'm really thinking that might be an easy fix when I'm feeling so damn low. I never gave into those temptations, but he always did. For years and years he did. Every time I'd have strategy and try to rationally handle the situation. Never did it work, not even once. Then he stopped, after a long drawn out production, very needy. I feel like I can trust him, but even though I don't feel it in the back of my head, if I can't find him, if he doesn't answer, I fear the worst. Always. I don't mean to distrust, but it must be hard wired into my defectively over analytical being. God forbid he actually has a minor slip, I tear into him with all the anger I've built up for years. Is it fair? No. Does it feel good? Yes at the time. Do I feel bad after? Yes. Do I think he'll remember any of the horribly mean things I say to him? No. And then part of me yes. I want him to KNOW and to HURT just like I have, as I've been putting up with his sh*t for far too long. I've got enough of my own garbage, I don't need his too. Not when he's like this. I want to be taken care of. It must be wonderful to be able to completely trust someone. Someone else to run errands, make the money, pay the bills, take the cars in, make the meals, do the cleaning, make my appointments. Instead I sit here in a writing frenzy while he sits there talking not making a bit of sense. I know he's had it hard too. But dammit I guess life isn't fair. He's trying not to fall asleep in his pizza, saying "we don't have an attic," and "there's too many people here." He's right we don't have an attic, but who is he saying it to? It's just me here. No body else. Maybe we're made for each other. Two people with no one else in the world to understand them.

PS: Just noticed he hung back up the Christmas lights that had fallen down. Now I feel like an ass.