Questions...

Do think everything happens for a reason? Do you think that if you really want something, and things keep getting in the way, that it not supposed to be ? Or that you're supposed to try harder? Do you ever have those moments when you know very clearly that what you're doing, no matter how ridiculous it seems to every one else, is exactly what you've needed to be doing all along?

So many questions, and so few answers. The more more questions, the less answers, and MORE questions.... who made up these rules anyhow? Captivatingly frustrating.

I am very much into a routine; it's my safety net, my comfort zone. It's a way for me to gauge how the day is going. I realize this is the tiniest little thing, but... I bought a new kind of laundry detergent yesterday. OMG it has made my house smell sooooo yummy. I can't help but be in a good mood. =) It's the little things. What little things have made your day?

Lonely Sunday

I am excessively tired; I can sleep for hours upon hours. I'll wake up and not feel any bit better except that I haven't had to deal with life for the last several hours. I fight the inner voice that pleads to stay in bed and hide under the covers, but most days I can wrangle my way out and hate every step of the way. Work is just far enough of a commute away that there are several points along the way that I could make a u-turn and high tail it home. Some of these days I succeed, and some of them I don't. I used to be a bright, optimistic, looking to the horizon type of person, and now I am just a shell of that former person. The majority of my life has been fine, low key, run of the mill, with a few really unfortunate things sprinkled in there every now and then. My depression and view of my lack luster life is not conducive to the life I've lived. I don't want pity, I don't need my past changed, and I sure as hell don't need someone to tell me how I SHOULD be living, feeling, breathing. I know life isn't fair. I don't want justice changed just for me... I just need the voice in my head not to be so damn negative. I am surrounded by beauty and all I can see is the ugly, the hatred, the dread. You know what I really want? Not that it would make anything better in the long run, but just for a moment, it'd be so great to have one single person know and feel what's in my heart, and stand up and think that I am worthy to be loved, to be protected, defended, and held.

One level deeper

Yesterday's posting in BOLD. Today's explanation italicized.

I must have a keen sense for a load-o'-crap about to dump itself on me. Hey crap, ya you! I'm this way! I should have gone into today with a fricken bullet proof vest and a really special helmet with a damn target on it, and my shoelaces tied together. I tell you, I am down for the count. Today took me down. I never even had a chance.

It's one thing if it's about me. But today it's not. It's about someone that I love... my own flesh and blood. So I will fight til the death. I will protect at any cost. And yet again, it is out of my control. Although the current predicament is not dire (yet), or of life and death matter, it is absolutely infuriating. As in: I know what I want the outcome to be, but haven't the means, or brains, or secret potion to make it happen. No matter how strong I stand, no matter how tough my exterior, inside or out, I fail to save. I cannot save. I've had someone slip through my finger tips already. I've watched the death creep up and slowly strangle and steal and suffocate. I can not do this again. Death follows me. Unfortunately it is not metaphoric death of which I speak. I have watched death firsthand, invade a perfectly functional, loving, hardworking, soft spoken life and infest itself, raiding the body, the organs, the mind... slowly, methodically picking off one at a time, while there's nothing else to do but sit and watch. Knowing they KNOW they are dying. One organ at a time.

If I love you, please stay the hell away from me. I don't know that I can live through this again. When I re-read this part today, it's sounds creepy. But I meant it in more of a Kennedy way: The "Kennedy Curse" etc. I am certainly not a Kennedy, not famous, not financially powerful, but death follows my loved ones like the plague. It dogs me like I've sinned very badly and each loved one will be plucked away from me to get even.

Thus the problem I have with relationships: can not get close to anyone. I feel much safer in my own little bubble world, not letting anyone in, where I am safe. Safe from losing another loved one. I love my anonymity. Lonely as hell, but love my anonymity and safe haven. I desperately want to break out of this shell. I'm scared to death, however, the next person I love will be taken in a heartbeat. And here we start again, with my own flesh and blood. I just can't live through this again.

It's following me

I must have a keen sense for a load-o'-crap about to dump itself on me. Hey crap, ya you! I'm this way! I should have gone into today with a fricken bullet proof vest and a really special helmet with a damn target on it, and my shoelaces tied together. I tell you, I am down for the count. Today took me down. I never even had a chance.

It's one thing if it's about me. But today it's not. It's about someone that I love... my own flesh and blood. So I will fight til the death. I will protect at any cost. And yet again, it is out of my control. Although the current predicament is not dire (yet), or of life and death matter, it is absolutely infuriating. No matter how strong I stand, no matter how tough my exterior, inside or out, I fail to save. I cannot save. I've had someone slip through my finger tips already. I've watched the death creep up and slowly strangle and steal and suffocate. I can not do this again. Death follows me.

If I love you, please stay the hell away from me. I don't know that I can live through this again.

Another day

The rain came down and it was so beautiful. I can bitch with the best of them, but I live in a beautiful part of the middle of nowhere. The trees did fall. The power didn't go out.

I hate that my current stability is in the hands of a prescription antidepressant manufacturer. I have tried valiantly to survive and carry on without them. I fail. I have succeeded in not succumbing to any other forms of self medication. Point: me.

It scares me to death to be at the complete mercy of another, be it a person, a situation, medication, what have you. I hate to not be in control. It drives me batty. Yet at the very same time I secretly wish that one mighty person could break into my life and take each aspect and orchestrate it gently, affirmatively, boldly, lovingly and care that I survive the day.

Things...

... I am currently diggin' this very moment in time:

• This rain storm is awesome. I hope it knocks out all the power lines and hope trees fall and prevent me from going anywhere tomorrow
• The sound of the rain falling on the roof soothes me; drops my blood pressure and everything
• Octagon shaped drinking glasses feel really good on my lips. What gives? It almost actually makes the water TASTE better...
• The movie Changeling. It's fascinating. Anyone else seen it?
• The fact that tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I am already done celebrating. I'm a fast learner. Done. Next.
• Found some old piano music that I started to learn in high school. Still can't find the first page, so I have no idea what the name of it is, actually can only find pages 2,3,4, so I guess I'll give it a new ending too
• It's Friday
• Ate really scrumptious pineapple today, but a little too much cause now my tongue's hurting
• Tried to eat fairly firm grapes with a fork with skewed prongs, this was the highlight of my day. Tricky little bastards.

A Mentor

I've taken someone under my wing recently. He's a "troubled" youth. That's if I needed to label him, but I really don't want to. I'd say, given the life this lad's had, the fact that he wants to go to school, isn't into drugs, has dead-beat parents and he's way behind on high school credits, ya know, give the kid a break. Applaud him for not going the "easy route" of thug life. We live on the outskirts of town, and our houses are at least a mile past the mass transit drop off. Where he's staying is still a few miles past my house. He doesn't have transportation, so he walks or hitch hikes, or takes the bus if he's close enough. I pick him up frequently and take him to/from school. He has my number, but really only seems to call or text if he REALLY needs a ride and it's freezing outside. (I appreciate this; it makes me feel like he's not taking advantage of the situation, and doesn't want to wear out his welcome.) All this kid is missing is a family. Did no one love him as a baby? No held him and hugged him and kissed his cheeks and tickled his belly? No one laughed with him and read him stories and tucked him into bed at night? No one cares if he makes it to school or not, if he's walking in 30' weather and doesn't own a jacket. I know he's not my problem. I'm easily pulled into codependent relationships, so I'm walking a fine line trying to be human, but keep myself safe. He says please and thank you. He looks me in the eye. He likes to go to the local coffee shop when it's slow and play the piano. He's a walking, talking, capable young man who has slipped through the cracks of life and doesn't know any better. I've had some of my best conversations with him lately. I don't know that I can provide him anything more than a listening ear and a caring heart, but my heart has softened for this kid. I want him to succeed.

Me

Wash away my face and wet my hair
my clothes hang damp, my feet are bare.
Let the rain beat down and wipe away
all I've carried here today.

I take my masque and I let it go
let it drop it no longer knows
I take my armor and release my grip
it too, too heavy as I start to sift.

A journey through the rain and into the light
wash me, cleanse me, please give me sight
all my adornments are laid now to rest
all of my worth is right in my chest

Take all of the sadness, all of the lies
wash them from the me and far from my eyes
Let it pour off my body and restore me anew
Let me start over, rebuild my heart too.

The falling I've mastered, it's the landing that tears
me all a part, that haunts with the dares
So rain down upon me as I shed everything old
no more secrets, every thing's told.

Nothing left to hide when it's all washed away
Nothing to hold back from a new glorious day
So take me, and mold me, I'm starting to see
There something dying to get out, inside, it's me.

Lovely Friday

Nothing special to report today. Except perhaps that I'm not dead, and that's always a good start. Not only am I not dead, I didn't kill any one else either. This too, some where, some place has to be earning me super-sized-karma points. I'm convinced. Not nearly as depressed as I have been in previous weeks, and I contribute this entirely to prescription medications that are trying to bring me back to normal. Not proud of that, but they are not pain killers, so whatever. I've got to start somewhere. Little things are making me laugh again, and this is a welcome welcome return. In closing, let me share two non-monumental thoughts: 1- Someone asked me if it's possible to have a half-wedgie? Do I seem like someone who would have the answer to that? Ponder that and let me know. I eagerly wait your reply. 2- I know what happens to a tube of toothpaste if it accidentally takes a flying secret leap into the washer and then to the dryer...un-noticed. Minty freshness abounds.

Rebuild me

I think I've figured out what I need. Well, maybe. You know how engines need to be rebuilt, so they run better? I need my engine rebuilt. I need to be completely taken a part, have each piece cleaned and restored, and then be carefully, conscientiously, lovingly, put back together so I can run again. I tell you the essence of my being is coming from a good place; it's the damaged goods that I've become that keeps holding me back, by my own doing, no doubt.

Am I looking for affirmation in all the wrong places? I do feel that my needs versus wants are organically simple and humble... what am I missing? Personal relationships and friendships are some of the most rewarding things for me. But the structural integrity of past ones has compromised my ability to trust... anything... anyone... It's so much easier to be safe and quiet and never allow those doors to open. And that's exactly how I got to be like this. I am genuinely convinced that if I take the time and love and effort and hurt to take down these walls, that the person whom I've allowed in, will be, without a doubt, taken from me. Be it by illness, or lies, accident, war, or act of God. I know this has made me who I am. That doesn't make me like it any more.

What scares me too, is that things I used to take refuge in, just aren't working for me anymore either. The things I once enjoyed don't hold the same value for me. They no longer resonate. It's a very out of body experience watching myself slip away from reality.

Isn't this where the hand of God is supposed to reach down and scoop me up in the palm of His hand, and tell me everything will be ok?