I think I've figured out what I need. Well, maybe. You know how engines need to be rebuilt, so they run better? I need my engine rebuilt. I need to be completely taken a part, have each piece cleaned and restored, and then be carefully, conscientiously, lovingly, put back together so I can run again. I tell you the essence of my being is coming from a good place; it's the damaged goods that I've become that keeps holding me back, by my own doing, no doubt.
Am I looking for affirmation in all the wrong places? I do feel that my needs versus wants are organically simple and humble... what am I missing? Personal relationships and friendships are some of the most rewarding things for me. But the structural integrity of past ones has compromised my ability to trust... anything... anyone... It's so much easier to be safe and quiet and never allow those doors to open. And that's exactly how I got to be like this. I am genuinely convinced that if I take the time and love and effort and hurt to take down these walls, that the person whom I've allowed in, will be, without a doubt, taken from me. Be it by illness, or lies, accident, war, or act of God. I know this has made me who I am. That doesn't make me like it any more.
What scares me too, is that things I used to take refuge in, just aren't working for me anymore either. The things I once enjoyed don't hold the same value for me. They no longer resonate. It's a very out of body experience watching myself slip away from reality.
Isn't this where the hand of God is supposed to reach down and scoop me up in the palm of His hand, and tell me everything will be ok?
About Me
- Diary of a Secret Blogger
- A lost little soul, but I mean well. I'm a romantic country girl at heart. I think I'm getting to the point where I am just numb enough to make my way through life. I encourage your thoughts and comments on my blog. Anything to make my mind think. Or email me.
My Blog List
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Coca11 years ago
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Charmed Life11 years ago
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1ST MAR DIV15 years ago
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November's U-Turn gig14 years ago
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Preparation9 years ago
The wind can't favor your sails until you pick a direction.
3 comments:
It's easy to get lost sometimes... It's easy for the things that used to keep you sane to lose their effectiveness if used too much.
The only solution that I know of for it is to go home... get back to your roots... back to when things were so much simpler so that you may sort things out without the stress around you. Ignore the people who might judge and say that you're running away because you are not running away. It's easier to collect your thoughts when you're in a safer/more familiar place.
Only when I did, was I able to get back to the things that used pick me up and that I used to enjoy and enjoyed again.
Also, what are we (as individuals) if not damaged goods? No one is perfect. Knowing that is the first step towards becoming self-actualized and enlightened : )
I don't believe I know you personally but I know from your writing that you're a pretty cool person. Chin up okay?
The good news about your old refuges having waned is that it means that you're not the person you once were. You've grown and changed, and maybe going back to your roots is the answer, and maybe finding a new place to put them down is the answer. Every time you are broken down is an opportinity to build back up, knowing just a bit more than you did.
I have found in my own life that rarely does God reach down. For me it seems that it has always been far more about viewing God as one who stands there ever present with arms stretched wide. But IT IS I WHO MUST JUMP OR FALL INTO those arms. And that act of surrender becomes a form of worship. And I find great comfort in that place. I have often found myself caught up in what I had to DO to pull myself out of a bad place. I think that mindset has always gotten me in more trouble. I mean I am brilliant at careening my life from one ditch to the next as I drive down the road of life. It really as if I have the skills of a 4 year old behind the wheel. I have hurt myself and a whole lot of others this way over the years. It is almost cliché but when I made little tiny steps, learned to wait on God, let Him take the wheel... for me at least that's when I saw God move. Life is far from perfect now. But in this place I have great confidence that I am generally in God's will. And when in that place I can tolerate just about anything. (written from phone so please forgive misspellings and bad grammar)
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