One level deeper

Yesterday's posting in BOLD. Today's explanation italicized.

I must have a keen sense for a load-o'-crap about to dump itself on me. Hey crap, ya you! I'm this way! I should have gone into today with a fricken bullet proof vest and a really special helmet with a damn target on it, and my shoelaces tied together. I tell you, I am down for the count. Today took me down. I never even had a chance.

It's one thing if it's about me. But today it's not. It's about someone that I love... my own flesh and blood. So I will fight til the death. I will protect at any cost. And yet again, it is out of my control. Although the current predicament is not dire (yet), or of life and death matter, it is absolutely infuriating. As in: I know what I want the outcome to be, but haven't the means, or brains, or secret potion to make it happen. No matter how strong I stand, no matter how tough my exterior, inside or out, I fail to save. I cannot save. I've had someone slip through my finger tips already. I've watched the death creep up and slowly strangle and steal and suffocate. I can not do this again. Death follows me. Unfortunately it is not metaphoric death of which I speak. I have watched death firsthand, invade a perfectly functional, loving, hardworking, soft spoken life and infest itself, raiding the body, the organs, the mind... slowly, methodically picking off one at a time, while there's nothing else to do but sit and watch. Knowing they KNOW they are dying. One organ at a time.

If I love you, please stay the hell away from me. I don't know that I can live through this again. When I re-read this part today, it's sounds creepy. But I meant it in more of a Kennedy way: The "Kennedy Curse" etc. I am certainly not a Kennedy, not famous, not financially powerful, but death follows my loved ones like the plague. It dogs me like I've sinned very badly and each loved one will be plucked away from me to get even.

Thus the problem I have with relationships: can not get close to anyone. I feel much safer in my own little bubble world, not letting anyone in, where I am safe. Safe from losing another loved one. I love my anonymity. Lonely as hell, but love my anonymity and safe haven. I desperately want to break out of this shell. I'm scared to death, however, the next person I love will be taken in a heartbeat. And here we start again, with my own flesh and blood. I just can't live through this again.