Knitting

I like to believe that my soul is forever being fine tuned. It is what it is, but it wants to learn and grow and... evolve. If every hurdle that I come across I can view as piece that will somehow, some way fit into the big picture later on, then I don't feel so lost. I still feel lost, incredibly alone... just not AS lost. Some day it would be so great to be able wear the same me on the outside, that is on the inside.

What I really think is that I made such bad choices in my early years that I am being punished for them now. So part of me feels that this will continue; I deserve the awful things that keep coming my way. Maybe if I am able to live through this and not die in the meantime, that I can make amends and someday I'll break even.

I had a dream the other night, not a nightmare thank God, haven't had a bad one in a while. Right, so back to the dream... there I am, all exposed, nothing left to hide, nothing to be proud of, nothing nothing nothing, just me... and my broken heart, my crying spirit, my hurting soul all loosely braided together, falling apart, barely staying together. "Now this will hurt a little..." I hear said to me. Here comes the giant needle and I relive painful memories, and bit by bit, that giant needle stitches together part of my heart and soul, then soul and spirit that I never would have thought to put together, but they fit perfectly. I am being knit back together.