Monday, March 23, 2009
Seventeen
Less than 20 hours ago my life changed. 17 hours ago it got worse. SO much worse. I don't claim to be anything special, but I can NOT do this. I am cracking. Just when I think I've glued enough of me back together so I can saunter up my britches and face this world head on - the ground caves beneath my feet and I have nothing more than faith alone. I promise that I don't need much in this world. I don't need fancy clothes or cell phones. I don't need a suped up car or a nice fancy house. I am plagued with guilt in making any decision, no matter how small. I sincerely work hard, enjoy what I do, rejoice in the little things, and love ferociously. I try so hard with a good heart and good intentions and I thought that has got to count for something. Yet, here I am. How did I get here? I swore I'd never be that girl. The one who would allow that to happen. I have people that I am responsible to, how did I let it get this far? How am I not able to do anything about it? How have I convinced myself to stay? I can not face another person (whom I know) to tell them these things. They will judge. I am doing enough judging of myself, I don't need someone else disappointed too. They will think that I possess the inner strength to walk away, that I deserve better, but I can't. They will get angry or be let down and make it their business to chide my efforts. So every night I try to come up with a new plan. I try to realign myself to reality. I try and try and try, and yet... all I feel is that I am dying inside, little by little - and it's gaining speed. It's so completely out of my control. 17 hours ago I took a stand, and I failed. I am now on public display for humiliation. Congratulations! This is where my hard work has landed me.
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3 comments:
I don't know if I've ever made a mention of this to you but we are the biggest enemies to ourselves because our minds play tricks on us. They make things seem out the ordinary, such as when my friend is on his anti-depressants, the conversations he has with people, to him, seem less misunderstood as compared to when he isn't on his medication.
All that I'm saying is, stop beating yourself up. Granted, that's what blogs are for... but you've made it over so many obstacles before this and I'm sure that this will be just another little thing after a tub of ice cream ; )
I don't know what happened but you are a good person (as far as I know, which I have a pretty good sense of) and your good intentions are an attempt to help others so they should be grateful and not be disappointed because they probably couldn't do it on their own anyways.
Thanks for the comment on my last entry though. I thought that the worst was going to happen but it worked out and I was stressing over nothing. <- Another example of humans over thinking things and panicking where there isn't too much to be worried about.
keep the faith and keep sight of what you want. you might fall flat on your face a million times before you grasp the life that you seek, but as long as you have the courage to stand up again and keep fighting eventually you will overcome what that stands in your way.
"When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. "
~ Franklin D. Roosevelt
I am plagued with guilt in making any decision, no matter how small.
^ I know exactly what you mean.
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