I blog because it's safe. I blog because it's a place where I can be completely honest, to others and to myself, but don't have to show my face. Writing, music, poetry allow me to process the feelings, and to put it down on paper validates it in a way. It makes it feel tangible, that it is something real: I am NOT invisible. I could never have these conversations with people in my every day life. Well, maybe I could, but how do I know it's safe? I fear rejection, humiliation, loss. I like to believe that I was made this way for a reason. Wishful thinking, I'm sure. Isn't there something that my quiet demeanor can offer to this world in contrast to those whose personalities are more forthright? Can't both be beneficial? Ying and yang?
I am always at a constant battle within myself. Do I feel I need to be more outspoken because I think I need to be that way? Or because I feel intimidated by those who are that way, and so I'd better be that way too.
Ha. Thinking back to my "quiet demeanor." This is where my general pace tends to fall. But here in this blog, in this forum I am a hundred times more advantageous that I could ever be in real life or in a "normal" blog where people knew me.
There are some things that I've known since I was a little girl. I've known exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up. Never a doubt. Here lies the heartache: How can I know something so purely from the inside if my soul, and know that this very thing, I can try and try and try and I will continue to fail, disappoint, and not live up to what everyone else thought I was capable of. At what point does this dream need to come to an end? At what point do I surrender and quit trying to make people (and me) believe something that is hurting more people in the process. That's never what I wanted. Of course not.
The very things that ground me today are the very things that keeping me from spreading my wings. The people who I've come to respect and love and cherish, I want to keep SO close so I don't have to be without them, but I don't dare let the mask I wear down, for fear that who they thought I was, I've never been. Very selfish I know. I hang on their every word, but literally get panicked when I'm expected to give my own thoughts on something...out loud. No no no. My little inside world, is so sacred, so small, so vulnerable, it cannot be trusted with anyone. Not even me.
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2 comments:
This is your sanctuary. Your quiet demeanor is only censor in person but on here, you're unknown... The Secret Blogger. That is awesome.
My blog was supposed to be that way too but it was leaked and I have to be careful of what I say because it could hurt their feelings if they figure out it's about them. Darn that. I want a world separated from theirs like you do.
I know exactly how you feel. My situation is a little bit different, I don't have a quiet personality but I become a very different person depending on who I'm around. Sometimes it's really complicated and not really my fault, but other times it's just me trying to be what other people expect of me so they won't reject me.
But are the relationships we cherish really worth it if they aren't real, if the affection we depend on is directed toward a persona that isn't even who we are? It's soothing to have what feels so much like love, but the mask can't be maintained forever, and eventually everything falls apart and everyone involved is hurt even more because of the false closeness.
I think somewhere out there there has to be a person, maybe even several people, who are willing to accept me, even love me, for exactly what I really am, virtues and faults alike, and it has to get worse to get better, maybe there's a lot of suffering required and rejection to be had making my way to those true friends, but I think it might be worth it.
Personally I think you're a really interesting person when you're unmasked, so don't hide yourself from the world. You have something to say and I have no doubt that people will listen.
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