My quest

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

~ Erma Bombeck

I have slept most of the day today. Relaxing. Escaping. I, however, am not all together pleased when the dreams turn to nightmares and stalk me. Sometimes it's so hard to tell the difference between dream and reality. Who's life is this? Weird.

There is no thing in this life that is going to make me happy. I've got to find the peace within. There are some people who will never be happy. No matter what they have, no matter their status. There are others who are happy with nothing. Always happy. Authentically happy and at peace in their lives... so much so that when troubled waters rise, they don't dodge it or hide, they just ride it out. This is my quest.

How is one to move on? I can genuinely forgive, but I can't erase the pain, the scars are so deep. I can forgive and forget what has been done. But my subconscious knows and hurts and lashes out even when I'm sure that I've gotten past it. The anxiety seems to be swallowing me whole. Can't think of words, can't make a choice, heart is racing, heart attack? is this real or a dream? Can't someone do this for me? I really don't care what the outcome is just get me out of here.

Please.

I know this isn't "normal." That freaks me out even more. What have I become? A mechanical person who works and IS and rarely has emotions visible to the outside world. Can't trust. It isn't in my genetic make up to trust. I want to trust, I promise I do. But I try and I fail. And failure is getting really old.