Waiting

Oh I am SO OVER this. OVER OVER OVER. I was almost hit twice tonight driving home. Gave me flashbacks of a bad accident I was in a couple years ago. Hit head on. It was bad but I walked out of that alive. I don't know how, should have been dead. Mangled metal, fire, helicopters, ambulances, firemen, police, screams, trying to catch my breath, trying to figure out if I was opening my eyes to the world, or was I opening them to heaven? Then catching myself from willing to be dead, because that would have been SO MUCH EASIER. I did not will that tonight, I did not.

Is there something to be gained from all this? Let's say I make it through another day, another month, several years... is it all building up for something better? Am I learning something along the way? Some great anecdote that answers all these burning questions? I'm afraid the majority of the time I'm just learning how to tolerate, how to be numb. I haven't mastered how to enjoy. I don't know how to let go and JUST BE.

I am totally and completely trapped inside a life that has taken me so far from my intended path, that I can't seem to know how to work my way back. Back to a beautifully joyful peace. Back to a place of love. And trust. Not from another person per se (although that'd be great too...) but a peace, love and trust for who and what I am. I can not go back and make history rewrite itself for me. I know better than that. I need acceptance from myself of what life has dealt me. It is what it is. I can't change it. Move on.

Ever notice that sometimes things are so diluted, so complicated that it takes all your effort to just block them out to have a single thought? I think that's where I'm at. Start small. One single rational thought. Like trying to play an old piece and not quite getting it, the notes are all jumbled. But if I close my eyes and feel the keys and follow the sound... it will come.

...I will wait.