Thursday, July 16, 2009

My stage

My life is a long story. I can't re-cap it. I can't sum it up. I can't quantify it or qualify it or justify it. I need to deal with me on my terms. I need to calculate my next move by my measurements, not your measurement of me, no matter how right or wrong you are. If I'm going down, I'm going to saddle up and hang the hell on. But by all means, I don't need a fucking audience.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

No Fairy Tale Ending

They were high school sweethearts. Why is it that the nice girls end up with the assholes? Or is it that those are just the ones I notice, so those are the ones I take to heart? She was sweet, smart, timid, but had a fiery streak on a rare occasion. He was just an asshole. Blame it on a poor upbringing or not enough development in his neurotransmitters; which ever way you roll the dice, he was always just a little off. Maybe he was just dumb, but I can deal with dumb. But dumb and rude really push my limits.

They wed soon after high school, and gave it a good go. She finished college and he was employed with the local union. She became pregnant and together they welcomed a child into their world. Any outsiders peering in would assume that these two had overcome the odds and were starting a good life. But when the doctors told her that the pain she was feeling in her abdomen was actually ovarian cancer, and she turned to her husband for comfort and strength, he was gone. He was out. That wasn't what he bargained for.

I don't know where he ended up, but far, far out of reach. She kind of became a hermit of sorts to fight this fight the only way she knew how: alone. Surgery, chemotherapy, radiation and all the physical side effects of the disease, the treatment, being left by her husband, and being a single mom to provide for her child. She kept a low profile and didn't seek handouts, or attention, or retribution.

This went on for some time until by all medical indications, she had this thing beat. That was two years ago when she was given a clean bill of health. But you and I both know this is not the end of the story. The cancer returned and the husband did not. She died last week...She was 28.

I wonder if that bastard will show for her funeral. Why couldn't he have been the one to get cancer and die? Is that wrong? Am I just as big of an asshole as he is because I think these awful thoughts? I want some retaliation! I want him to suffer. And for all intents and purposes, I think that I am totally justified to hate him too. I promised God that if I could find the peace within to not hate him, I'd do it. But for now, if God loves him, so be it, and I hope it's tough love, but keep him the hell away from me.