Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Much Ado:

I put on the make up to make myself feel better. It (hopefully?) gives the illusion that everything is fine. I've got everything under control. It does nothing more that just cover me, which is exactly what I don't want anyone to see.

I love life in a very abstract, spiritual, poetic sort of manner that likes to give hope, hint at salvation, and tropical breezes. Truthfully my life is nothing like this. My life appears to have been formed by two poles that largely disagree. The vortex that quakes in its midst is me, trying to remember how to breathe. It's me trying to decide what matters and what doesn't. It's me hoping for chaos, because really, that's the only way I know how to survive.

As life is sloughing off left and right, I like to think my choices matter. (They really don't; I've come to find.) It's here that there is so much pressure, that I don't have the time to second guess my judgements, and so proceed with the trek. (But here's the little secret that I've been hiding in my back pocket..... no matter WHAT decisions I make.... life WILL go on. A bad choice does not equal and change in the rotation.) This realization appears to indicate that I would much prefer to just blaze through life and NOT stop to think.

I would like to give the illusion that I care. Most of the time I don't. Most of the time I'm overbooked and under appreciated which clearly is where I am used to being, but know this is not my best use. When I slow it down and begin to take inventory, then there are just time and me and second guesses, and not only are we not three kings, we are not friends either.

But something saved me. A hand of God reached out one night and saved me. It saved my soul and my physical life in a matter of seconds. As I travelled over the edge (literally) I knew that THIS MUST BE IT. There was NO WAY I was going to make it out of this alive. Whereas I had believed that I could gauge my loved ones, their actions, and my surroundings...In a flash I had learned that it wasn't that my gauges were wrong necessarily, they weren't even in the right ball park. This was un-gauge-able. I put my trust of life in another human being who I adored to the CORE, and yet I am still not safe. When I prayed that I needed a change, a sign, something, anything... I DID NOT think that it would be a matter of life or death. I should have died that night, on the way to the bottom of that ravine, or at least on impact at the bottom.

I'm fearfully sure that this is where I submit the tag line (to myself): I am not the circus for you to star in.