Saturday, January 31, 2009

Release me...

Release Me

Release me from this day of dread
Release me from the day ahead
I fear not for I've nothing left to give
In me is more, but not enough to live
I can see the water rising and it calls to me
Beckons me even closer, and to hide with thee
Inside me dwells a life of pain
Which longs to love and be retained
I've travelled this path too long already
My heart means well, but my hand unsteady
The tide surges up and sneaks back away
Please take me too, far far away
I fall, I bleed, I cry alone
Can these be the seeds I've sown?
How can it be for these are dead
Dying quietly under the tread

Nothing to show but lies on my face
A mind full of memories but without a place
Take all I have, for it is already gone
A sorry tale yes, but they will move on
Sweep me under the great mighty sea
Show me love and light and please
Take my hand and hold it tight
For touch alone casts away my fright

Help me feel the wind again
let it heal and rush past, and send
anything to me of trust and hope
A knot at the end of a life line rope
Let the rain wash down and cleanse this mind
Hold me close in a love of twine
Just close enough to feel its breath
And keep away the tempt of death
You do not need to save me, see
Just stand right here and help me be
Don't let me go, just hold on tight
don't give up on me, not tonight

Release me from this life of past
let's set sail and raise the mast
Take these burdens and let them go
let them drowned and sink below
Search me, know me, feel my soul
I long to be but in control
Help me escape and run like hell
Fast as we can up to the bell
Let it toll for us of honest hearts
Let it crack but not break apart
Let it have scars and stories too
But it will sing for me and you
It will sing a song of truth
Of burden, death and more to choose
Grasp on to that rope and we'll ring it loud
Release me please up to the clouds.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Drawing strength

This stupid, stupid week has taken a turn for the worse. The pain returned and I could see it coming from a mile away, stalking me, mocking me, slowly inching closer until its entire black cloud completely covered me and all of my thoughts. It hasn't been this bad in a long, long time. Actually woke up in the middle of the night absolutely convinced that this time it was it. This time I was dying...and as long as it made the pain go away, I was totally ok with it. Looking back, I know now that I must have been in a very low place. Scary. I don't like that. 4 days, 3 doctor visits, 1 trip to the ER, and enough new meds to make me feel like a really UN-useful old hag lady. Today is the first day relatively pain free (3/10...which I can deal with...) but the after effects are still strangling me. Give it up already. GIVE IT UP!!! Give a girl a chance already huh?

In the doctor's office today, I drew strength from a little crappy calendar on the wall that was poorly put together. (Like me. How cute.) No idea who wrote it, and that's ok too:

"We live far more joyfully when we allow ourselves a playful spirit."

Does this imply that people ARE able to live joyfully, playfully, happily? I SOOO want in on some of that. I'm trying to keep my head up. Doing the best I can. But dammit, this is just getting ridiculous.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Still confused

Is it something in the air? Maybe it's the weather? Maybe, really, it's just me, looking, grasping for anything to make this all clear. The pain is back. The nightmares are back. As if that's not enough, I wake up in a screaming panic and can't for the life of me figure out where I am when I wake up. After a few moments taking inventory of the surroundings, I realize AGAIN that I am in my own bed, in the bedroom, in my house. Can I really be losing it all this early in life? Maybe I've been losing it all along, and I just can't hide it any more.

Monday, January 26, 2009


Alright. I put up with the crappiest day today. My brow hurts from shooting daggers ALL. DAY. LONG. Actually, let me rephrase one thing. It's not the people I hate, per se. It's their actions. Hate the actions not the people. I get that. I just don't get people. See the problem? I know how I want people to be, and they are just not being that way... the nerve.

First: People who believe they are entitled really get under my skin. Entitled to know, be nosy, be out for the drama and the gossip. Get away! If someone doesn't say something to you...They probably DON'T want YOU to know. Don't be hurt by it. Move on. It's not all about you. If you really care, take a step back and wonder to yourself if there are unbecoming qualities about you that scare the shit out of people. Maybe like you're not trustworthy? Perhaps you are just stupid and you should deal with that too while you're at it. Just a suggestion.

Second: People who think life isn't fair, and bitch about it all the time. Know what? You're right!?!? Life isn't fair. That's the only thing you're going to get right. Ride that one out while you can, it's a good feeling.

Third: People who constantly tell others their personal business. There's some leniency with this one that will weigh carefully the closeness of the friendship, the text of the conversation, and the setting. For the most part I do NOT want to hear about you and your old man, and how you may or may not be able to get it on, and all the intimate details of your dirty deeds... thank you very much for just ruining my own sex life as I now proclaim celibacy.

Lastly, I've got to figure out how to channel this all a little better. I mean, having a panic attack for fear of having another panic attack because things are spinning out of control... that's a poor way to get my point across. Aw piss. What a waste of a day.

Sunday, January 25, 2009


I did it. I totally did it. Something completely spontaneous, and not at all something I would normally do. My normal Sunday evening plans were not going to happen tonight. I knew they were put on hold this week, so I took the chance. I left the house a little early so I could get a good cup of chai first. At least that would give me something to set an even keel. Now here's the thing about me and expectations: I hate to expect anything, even little because I'll always be let down... even if I set my sights low. Always let down, always disappointed. I'd rather expect nothing, not put anything out there on the line. And if something great happens- swell. So tonight I'm driving to my destination, after getting my chai, and I text a friend to see if she wanted to be spontaneous with me and meet me in 20 minutes. Just enough time for her to get there if she wanted, and just a smidge of time so that I could convince myself later that she didn't get the message, and therefore not get my feelers hurt. HA! She came, and brought another mutual friend that was with her at the time.

Let me tell you what I enjoy about doing something like this. Besides the two friends who were with me, I was an unknown quantity in this place. I am anonymous. Nobody there knew me, knew my past, knew my present, knew anything. I did steal a quick comment to the friends that I am in the midst of a mid-life-crisis and had to get the hell out of normal daily routine. And though I love them dearly, they kind of chuckled and said "You can't have a mid-life-crisis if you're not mid-life age." I refrained from glaring and feeling hurt and said "I've lived through more than normal people in one life time. I've earned my mid-life-crisis stripes thank you very much." And the hushed. As well they should.

So tonight I was completely intoxicated with new (to me) music, a life blood of sorts that made me feel. FEEL. I have been so determined to NOT FEEL, to live an abbreviated life of sorrow, I forgot that all feelings need not be sad. I have this little glimmer of hope that revealed itself to me tonight. I have to remember this, because I know this latest bout with depression is not a done deal. It's still lingering, that bastard.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Weekend ahead

I'm looking forward to a weekend with not a damn thing planned. That, my friends, is something delightful. Maybe I'll clean the house, maybe work in the yard. Maybe it'll continue to rain which will force me to do absolutely nothing constructive but sit in the living room on the big comfy couch. Maybe I'll turn up the music and open the windows to the rain and sing my little heart out.

I think I may do one totally spontaneous thing this weekend. These kinds of things always end up being a great adventure, and totally out of my comfort zone. I think I may take a few hour's drive and find a new favorite place. What I'd really like is to be transported to a magically beautiful place that takes no time or energy or planning. But just short of that, I'll be fine with a drive. I'm really not that picky.

I wonder if I'll ever find that person, that one person who completely understands me? Or at least someone who is willing to join this search with me and hold my hand along the way? It doesn't have to be a spouse even, just a friend. Just someone to listen and validate and care. Isn't that what we all want? But how can we (me) can I find anything of substance to ground me if I'm scared to death of everything that would ground me. I don't think I can win. I just want a fighting chance.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

I will not be numb

Someone said something to me today that completely caught me off guard. Something about my past that at the time absolutely consumed me, and was so painful that I had since shut it out and put it in the very back of my heart, safe safe safe. Safe from thought, or nit picking, or judgement. I didn't even recognize it when they said it at first. And then it came barrelling back and sat right in front of me and looked me in the eye. I couldn't really speak for a few minutes. I was re-remembering all the details and simultaneously amazed that I had managed to FORGET about it. But in the safety of this conversation, though albeit terribly uncomfortable, I was empowered and encouraged to not just be numb, but ride it out, feel it out, deal with it, process it. Process it with love and hope, not to be ashamed. It is what it is. I lived through it. I tucked it away when I couldn't deal with it. And now, it was safe to haul it back out, lean forward and stare the SOB memory down and deal with it. It has NO power over me anymore. And that feels really, really good.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Swept away

Catch me if you can, dear ones who have held me back all my life. And all those I've allowed to hold me back all these years. I sense a change in the tide. I feel the swell approaching of an incredible new day that hints at hope... for me.

Monday, January 19, 2009


Oh I am SO OVER this. OVER OVER OVER. I was almost hit twice tonight driving home. Gave me flashbacks of a bad accident I was in a couple years ago. Hit head on. It was bad but I walked out of that alive. I don't know how, should have been dead. Mangled metal, fire, helicopters, ambulances, firemen, police, screams, trying to catch my breath, trying to figure out if I was opening my eyes to the world, or was I opening them to heaven? Then catching myself from willing to be dead, because that would have been SO MUCH EASIER. I did not will that tonight, I did not.

Is there something to be gained from all this? Let's say I make it through another day, another month, several years... is it all building up for something better? Am I learning something along the way? Some great anecdote that answers all these burning questions? I'm afraid the majority of the time I'm just learning how to tolerate, how to be numb. I haven't mastered how to enjoy. I don't know how to let go and JUST BE.

I am totally and completely trapped inside a life that has taken me so far from my intended path, that I can't seem to know how to work my way back. Back to a beautifully joyful peace. Back to a place of love. And trust. Not from another person per se (although that'd be great too...) but a peace, love and trust for who and what I am. I can not go back and make history rewrite itself for me. I know better than that. I need acceptance from myself of what life has dealt me. It is what it is. I can't change it. Move on.

Ever notice that sometimes things are so diluted, so complicated that it takes all your effort to just block them out to have a single thought? I think that's where I'm at. Start small. One single rational thought. Like trying to play an old piece and not quite getting it, the notes are all jumbled. But if I close my eyes and feel the keys and follow the sound... it will come.

...I will wait.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

It's out there

Many things are at alternating poles of my life. I can't get them to meet in the middle; I can't explain the differences, and they constantly intrigue me. There's a budding desire in me to not just be busy in life, but to be effective. Someone I know has a sticker that says "Look busy, Jesus is coming." I think this is funny and I think it's annoying all at the same time. I don't want to fill my life with ridiculous possessions and fear-laden thoughts. I yearn to be more than just another human who is taking up air. I want to be more. What is holding me back? Then, as if this side of me may not even exist, I'd relish in just sitting back and taking a ride. I want to be on someone else's ride in life, where I don't have to make decisions, where I'm not forced to remember anything that made me ME. I want to be the passenger and take in all the beauty of the world, the country side, the sunrise, LIFE. I know it's out there. So, do I have to get outside my own life in order to learn to enjoy life, so I can take it back in my secret pocket and try to work it into my every day life? Why does it have to be so complicated? Why am I incapable of going from point A to point B in an orderly fashion? I could save so much time in this life if I just had a map and a key. Any ideas?

Saturday, January 17, 2009

My quest

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
~ Erma Bombeck

I have slept most of the day today. Relaxing. Escaping. I, however, am not all together pleased when the dreams turn to nightmares and stalk me. Sometimes it's so hard to tell the difference between dream and reality. Who's life is this? Weird.
There is no thing in this life that is going to make me happy. I've got to find the peace within. There are some people who will never be happy. No matter what they have, no matter their status. There are others who are happy with nothing. Always happy. Authentically happy and at peace in their lives... so much so that when troubled waters rise, they don't dodge it or hide, they just ride it out. This is my quest.
How is one to move on? I can genuinely forgive, but I can't erase the pain, the scars are so deep. I can forgive and forget what has been done. But my subconscious knows and hurts and lashes out even when I'm sure that I've gotten past it. The anxiety seems to be swallowing me whole. Can't think of words, can't make a choice, heart is racing, heart attack? is this real or a dream? Can't someone do this for me? I really don't care what the outcome is just get me out of here.
I know this isn't "normal." That freaks me out even more. What have I become? A mechanical person who works and IS and rarely has emotions visible to the outside world. Can't trust. It isn't in my genetic make up to trust. I want to trust, I promise I do. But I try and I fail. And failure is getting really old.

Friday, January 16, 2009


It's not so much that things have changed recently. Everything is always changing. But I've put up a strong front for so long; it's taking its toll. I'm breaking. Slowly rupturing for the world to see. Melting into a puddle that just can't hide behind the happy face any longer, because I haven't got the strength right now. I haven't got the strength to do a damn thing but sit here and type and make sure one breath after another comes out of this body.

I remember screaming at my dad years ago, "I didn't ask to be here, to be born. I'd rather just die." I meant every word of it. I've never been more truthful and vulnerable. I'll never tell another soul that again, or anything near it cause it hurts too much to try and explain the pain when they just stand there and stare at you with the blank look that just doesn't give a shit.

I have a good life on the outside. A good strategy for deflecting and keeping people beyond my safe barricade. They have no idea. NO IDEA. It's a dark world out there and a dark road that leads to my heart. This is the way I've learned to survive. I'd rather chose to be alone on the inside than try and let anyone in...and fail.

So here I am world. What have you got for me now? It's the rebel in me that's not going to let you take me down.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Known but to God

Somethings are too frighteningly painful to relive or retell or even hang on to in one's own heart. Some of these haunt me and some of them have been buried away, safe from the surface. I was thinking yesterday about a particular issue I deal with daily. It seems silly, but it controls my life. Very much obsessive compulsive. Where they hell did this come from? What created this monster within? And then I got it. A hidden inner chamber of my life's story opened up and unleashed a truth that has been feeding this addiction.

I get it. This small little part. I can't do anything to change it (yet) but I get it. Why it's here. Why I must do the things I do. I like to believe everything has a purpose and meaning. This one is known but to God.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Get a grip

I've got a friend. (Don't choke here-- it's true!) She is a WARRIOR on the inside with a perfectly humbled heart. She has conquered every hurdle with resolve and dedication. (Think... surgery seriousness here...) She takes each breath of day as a joyful encounter. She is happy after countless setbacks. She doesn't complain nor does she play the pity-me-party. She, more than anyone else I know deserves a little pick-me-up. God forbid if she actually takes a moment out for herself and I'll be damned if she isn't cornered like a bad dog needing to defend itself. I don't get it. They don't know her history. And she doesn't want them to. And so they think they are owed an explanation of her choices. This all does not compute in this head of mine. Since when were nosey people being cloned by the masses?

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Don't remember

I want to be just like you. Is the grass always greener on the other side? I want to be just like anyone else as long as it doesn't have to be me. I'm tired of being me. I'm tired of all the hurts that I need to NOT remember. A weighted life that doesn't let up unless for a brief time that swallows my senses into fairty tale land where I can pretend that life is normal. That is where I want to live forever.