Monday, August 29, 2011

Changes

Need to change this blog to private. If you read, and want to keep reading, send me your email address so I can give you access.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Not what I asked for

For months I took an alternate route home from work. It wasn't far off the beaten path... but different nonetheless. Everyday I would diligently take that detour, with the high hopes of seeing him. I was pretty sure this was the road he took home. If I could just catch a glimpse of him... that would be so great. Months went by. No no no. I never did see him in passing on that road.

Fast forward to yesterday... driving home with a tiller on the back of the truck to till up the back yard. I'm on the same alternate route,  but this is a different kind of ride this time. He is in the front seat next to me, laughing and smiling. I can barely wrap my little noggin around this. This is far better than what I originally thought I wanted... (to catch a glimpse.) Wow.

I start to laugh a little too, thinking about all of this. But he can tell I'm laughing about a secret something. He asks what's so funny. And so I tell him. Tell him how I took this road for months... to see him. My humility on the table. And, as it turned out, his work had moved, so this wasn't the route he took. Ha. And then he tells me that he thought I worked at a certain place too, and he drove by there every day on his lunch break, hoping to catch a glance of me. But, as it turned out, I worked in another part of the city... which was a short jaunt of 6 blocks, from the new location of his work. 6 blocks a part. This whole time :)

Sunday, May 22, 2011

That there....


See that there? That little glimmer on the edge of the horizon? It's calling me.

It knows my name, and it's been beckoning me. Home.

I thought for sure that pain and sadness would be the epitome of my stay here. It looks like I could be very wrong. Which is absolutely received with open, willing, hopeful breaths, and a humbled heart.

:)

Friday, May 13, 2011

You'd think it was an earthquake. You'd think some heavy footed person walked behind you and the floor caved in with each step. You'd grab your chair... and you'd hang on. This must be it. You'd pray for safety.
... and then... several moments later (when things weren't falling off the wall, and no one else was in the house with you) you'd realize it wasn't another person, and it wasn't an earthquake. It was you; your heart panicking and beating so violently out of your chest. Because sitting home on a Friday evening after a long week at work is so terrifying, right? Watching the sun go down out the window facing west.
I thought I was safe. I was wrong. The panic attacks are back. And they are eating me alive.

Monday, May 9, 2011

I feel distinctly like the world is passing me by. I don't like this feeling. I keep trying to catch that life train, the happy train, the take-me-away train; I run and run and I always fall short.

When one is in a position of authority (at least perceived) or leading a group large or small, there comes a time when realization sets in, that another must be trained to fill those shoes. The one can't hold all the secrets, lead fearlessly, and then abandon the herd when death calls him home.

No doubt it's always nice to feel wanted, needed, affirmed. In the right mindset of a leader, it can be seen as a passing of the torch of sorts. But really no one is perfect. We know this. Why do we keep fooling ourselves that it would ever be anything different? Inside the fearless leader, is a leader filled with fear.

Though socially and morally, it is preferred and expected of someone in such a position...but the leader will secretly feel replaced, unworthy, and longing for a place in life... a position.

If for so long I've felt abandoned, what I naturally want to do is make those around me feel NOT abandoned. Prepare them for the future. Help them find their worth. Help lead them towards their niche. THEIR niche. Not mine. Really help nurture them to allow them space to find their own unique niche. Ideal for those being lead. But not for the 'leader.'

It's not that it's lonely at the top. That's not it at all. Or maybe it is. I don't know. I wouldn't know. I'm not at the top. I'm alone. And that's all it keeps coming back to. There is a pouring out of love, an endless river of support and encouragement... to others. But at the end of the day... I am still alone.

For a while, there is the venture and return of the others. As long as they return, there is a reason. Then it ceases all together. And then they don't. They don't return. And I realize they may not. They will be fine without me. Every one of them. They do not depend on me as they used to. The roles are reversed. If something (God forbid) was to happen to me... their lives would go on. I've prepared them well; they will be fine. Congratulations.

Death would be the easy choice, wouldn't it? It's the sitting there in the rocking chair on the deck, alone, that gets to me though.

'I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work.'

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Perspective

.
.
The Power of Words
.
.
Apparently there's still hope out there to be had. That makes me happy :)
... and I love the piano.
.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Don't you need a fountain of love? So come thirsty.


Saturday, April 16, 2011

My train wreck of a life is catching up with me. When my mind was failing me, at least my body took up the slack, and housed the shell that used to be. But no longer.
.
Too much, I say.
Too much says my mind.
Too much says my body.
.
I never realized that dying of a broken heart would physically hurt.so.much.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Hypocrisy and Instincts

I don't even know where to start with this one... Cause this one is ugly and possibly beautiful. And the hypocrite is me. All me.

A long time ago... many many moons ago I got myself out of a bad situation. It was hard, and trying, and all together, absolute torture. I was married and needed to leave for safety reasons, sustainability and sanity. It was the right thing to do, on absolutely every single level. Hard but right. I left with little to my name, took up my roots and pretty much hid for about 8 months. It didn't feel right to file for divorce, so I guess I just put it off. In my heart I was done; the rest was just legality.

The only thing I could do was put one foot in front of the other, not look back, not look to the side, only one step in front. Head down, walls high, lips sealed. Keep my heart closed and not expect anything from any part of this world.

Until I met him.

He was everything I wasn't. And he honored my quiet world. He didn't ask many questions about the past. He seemed to instinctively know. Until a few months later we were driving back from dinner and he looked me straight in the eye and asked if I was sure my marriage was over. He didn't want to be the wedge, and didn't want to tread where he shouldn't be. I held that look and told him I was sure. If I hold ANY look, that's got to be an indicator of where my heart is at. I had all but hidden from this world. This was not a relationship I was seeking. It had found me.

(This is the hypocritical part. Because I totally get the heebie jeebies from guys who are married, albeit separated, or whatever, who seem to be checking the field.)

I'll be damned if within a WEEK of that conversation, the tables were turned again. I had just started to trust. Just barely. And the man I was married to walked back in. Almost a year earlier I had left and given an ultimatum. BIG things needed to happen. Life changing. Not just change but sustained. 3 major things. He had done ALL of them. Happiness and fear simultaneously took hold. What the hell was I supposed to do?

My personal life is built on respect, keeping promises and following through. So I kept my promise. He had done everything asked of him. And so I went back. It didn't seem fair to the other guy. But I hadn't told him I'd never go back. (I guess this is how I justify it.) I had told him truthfully that I was done. I absolutely was. I didn't ever think that these other things would come to fruition. But I had put years into this marriage. A marriage is a marriage and should be stronger and more sacred than any other relationship.

When I told him I was going back... I wanted him to be mad. I wanted him to be angry and say mean things, so I could close that part of my heart and it'd be easier to leave and never look back. He didn't. No guilt trips. No bitter words. No questions.

I would see him in passing for the next year or so. Only a handful of times. Once at the gas station. He didn't make it awkward... waved, smiled, asked how I was. Once on a small road where we were the only two vehicles. Me going one way and he going the other. Eye contact. And pass. I pulled into the driveway a few houses down the road of a friend. He turned around, which made my heart skip a beat, and pulled over. "Are you OK?" And I was. The friend I was there to see, then (because when is my life not super weird) came out, assumed we were old friends, and invited us both in. (Gotta love a pastor's wife.) He declined, respectfully, and that was the last time I saw him.

I knew I had made the right decision, but I always felt guilty. It may not have fit the standard definition of an affair, but was this an emotional affair? I couldn't live with that either. I blocked him from memory and dove head first back into my marriage. I rid my life of anything that would remind me of him.

I heard that shortly after that he had left town. Actually more than that, he had left the state all together. That was probably good. He was moving on to bigger and better things. I was happy for him, and glad that there wouldn't be a chance of running into him in town any more.

It's been 5 years since then. A lot has changed. More than I could have ever imagined. Life got a lot harder, when I thought for sure that things were starting to get easier. But apparently life doesn't get easier just because you make the right choice.

My last year in particular has been hard. I am widowed and heart broken. I am barely holding it together. Sanity is nonexistent; it's just an image I manage to portray. My instincts tell me the only thing I can do is put one foot in front of the other, not look back, not look to the side, only one step in front. Head down, walls high, lips sealed. Keep my heart closed and not expect anything from any part of this world.... seems familiar eh?

He's back. After 5 years he is back. I don't know what it means, probably nothing. But he's back :)

Monday, March 14, 2011

My heart says this:
It's a Philippians 4:6-7 kind of day.
I can't control what other people do. It's not my job to try and protect everyone- I'm also not the best person for the job. If I worry about/for other people, all that changes is that I feel awful. I can pray, & I can be here for them if they need me. That is all I can do; it's the best thing to do.


But the words come out like this:
Apparently everyone in the world is mad at me right now... if it were just a few of you maybe I would try to remedy the situation, but with such overwhelming numbers I'm forced to instead just not give a fuck. xoxoxox

Oy
=/

Thursday, March 3, 2011

The neighbors

I lie in bed, startled awake by the neighbors upstairs. Damn near stomping on the ground and rattling all my walls. Could they be any more heavy footed? Why does the sound make my skin crawl? Why can't I catch my breath?
Stop.
Open my eyes.
I am in my bed, yes. But I am in my house. There are no upstairs neighbors. What the hell is that sound? My skin is still crawling. I'm gasping for breath. I can't get enough air in. Oh my God; it's me. IT'S ME. It's my heart that's racing, that's pounding out of my chest, constricting my breath and my rational reasoning skills... and holding me hostage.
The panic attacks are back with a vengeance.
In theory, I get the general idea of reducing stress, and having coping mechanisms to help me get through the day. I do. I do. I promise I do. I promise I do my part. I don't sit passively by *hoping* I can maneuver around them. I take an active role against these little bastard demons of mine. Yet they can STILL come out of no where, and have the power and audacity to wake me from a dead sleep.
Leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please?

Monday, February 14, 2011

Sunday, February 6, 2011

He felt the earth
and breathed its breath
the sand fell through
til none was left.
He loved the wind
swam in the rain
beyond the break he drowned
in pain.
On a lonely ship
he left adrift
waves washed in
began to sift.
The soul took form
and with its light
released from hurt
in dark of night.
Day break came
with dawned new life
he flowed free
with first delight.
He is now the day
that breathes new songs
he IS my wind
forever strong



Friday, February 4, 2011

0914090843 I just want to grow old with you once I fix myself

0105101221 Ok how is she doing ok?

0121102134 I love all of u kiss the kids

0211101407 I just heard your dad has lung cancer

0225101314 So bad in my life it feels like my body is shutting down

0228100941 Good morning lovey how are you. How was your night what time are you coming home

0308101453 Mainly to chat I miss talking to you I am having a hard time

0310101030 I just got the pic of her she is so cute.how are you today.will you still bring me that check. ok I love you.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

I will either stand close enough to the mirror and sink when I brush my teeth that I'm too close to see my reflection, or I'll avert my eyes the entire time. It's all in the eyes. It always has been. A window. A tunnel. It breathes truth and all of the unspoken words.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I know I can run away. But how do I learn to walk away with grace?

Saturday, January 29, 2011

They say: "This too shall pass."

I think they lie.

Right to my face.

I'd like to know what the hell I'm dealing with from the start.

YOU are ineligible for this because YOU should have known what was never told to you. YOU should have figured it out, and disclosed it. Since YOU haven't, this judgement is against YOU. Our condolences are sincere, as sincere as YOUR omissions.

I just want a voice for the pain. That is all that I'm asking.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Some things I know. A lot of things I don't

Today, this is what I do know:

~mornings are good- when I sleep through them, and yet I always feel when I wake up that I've missed the best part

~love horses and motorcycles, snow boarding and jet skiing

~always love the ocean, never the sand

~read books voraciously until the last chapter, and never want it to end

~speak rarely, thoughtfully, methodically

~love the 3 Johns

~I happen to stew, and also like stew :)

~live in a world of excessive acronyms

~have the worst luck imaginable

~have been duped by life itself

~adores wind and rain, and wildly stormy nights

~and puddles

~and galoshes

~have predictably worse nightmares every time I fall asleep

~ can get lost in music in a split second of time

~wants to believe in chivalry

~will listen forever...and ever... and ever...

Monday, January 17, 2011

To be continued

I lead two lives for the most part. Not lies in contrast to each other, just two very separate, different lives. The one that I live outwardly allows me to leave the house and go to work each day. It allows me to grocery shop and chit chat along the way. It projects an air of contentment, though that’s not my intention. My intention is to just get through the day.

The other one is the one who is me on the inside. The one who thinks she’s over the past, until the nightmares return. Who thinks she has a handle on this life, and then the flashbacks start. The one who could never tell another soul face to face what has really happened. There are layers. If I manage to get through the first layer, I feel like I’ve already overspent my welcome in your world. I don’t want to burden you and bring you down.

I don’t want the pity. I don’t want that to be the reason they think I need to talk about it, when ever the day comes that I do.

I just want it all to go away.

I want to be able to share with the people who claim to love me. I want to tell them…not the REAL story… (because it’s all real, even the small part they may know) but I want to share with them UN-EDITED version. The other side, that sometimes fuels the ups and downs in my outward life. I want to tell them everything. To get it off my chest. I want to unload and not be the only one who knows these things. I want to know that those who love me…would still find me lovable after hearing the un-annotated version. Even if they found me lovable after they stories are revealed, would they find me lovable that I held it in for so long? That I don’t possess the grounding to know what I can and can’t share, and what I can and can’t be held accountable for?

The thought that they might not be able to do so, keeps me from ever speaking a word.

A friend, a GOOD friend, who knows me outwardly, and may have inklings of the inward me, asked me a question a few weeks ago. It was a very telling question. No matter my reply she’d know (at least I thought) exactly what my answer really was, even if I couldn’t voice it. I panicked. I panic and my heart rate soars, I sweat, I can’t catch my breath, my world starts spinning, I bite my lip to be sure no secret words spill out, I shake my head. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I just can’t be here in this moment. I want to run away. My eyes are heavy, my head throbs and all I want to do is go to sleep. I want to disappear. I want to be absolutely invisible.

Invisibility is my friend and incredibly more appealing than ever having to really put the words out there.