0914090843 I just want to grow old with you once I fix myself

0105101221 Ok how is she doing ok?

0121102134 I love all of u kiss the kids

0211101407 I just heard your dad has lung cancer

0225101314 So bad in my life it feels like my body is shutting down

0228100941 Good morning lovey how are you. How was your night what time are you coming home

0308101453 Mainly to chat I miss talking to you I am having a hard time

0310101030 I just got the pic of her she is so cute.how are you today.will you still bring me that check. ok I love you.

I will either stand close enough to the mirror and sink when I brush my teeth that I'm too close to see my reflection, or I'll avert my eyes the entire time. It's all in the eyes. It always has been. A window. A tunnel. It breathes truth and all of the unspoken words.

I know I can run away. But how do I learn to walk away with grace?

They say: "This too shall pass."

I think they lie.

Right to my face.

I'd like to know what the hell I'm dealing with from the start.

YOU are ineligible for this because YOU should have known what was never told to you. YOU should have figured it out, and disclosed it. Since YOU haven't, this judgement is against YOU. Our condolences are sincere, as sincere as YOUR omissions.

I just want a voice for the pain. That is all that I'm asking.

Some things I know. A lot of things I don't

Today, this is what I do know:

~mornings are good- when I sleep through them, and yet I always feel when I wake up that I've missed the best part

~love horses and motorcycles, snow boarding and jet skiing

~always love the ocean, never the sand

~read books voraciously until the last chapter, and never want it to end

~speak rarely, thoughtfully, methodically

~love the 3 Johns

~I happen to stew, and also like stew :)

~live in a world of excessive acronyms

~have the worst luck imaginable

~have been duped by life itself

~adores wind and rain, and wildly stormy nights

~and puddles

~and galoshes

~have predictably worse nightmares every time I fall asleep

~ can get lost in music in a split second of time

~wants to believe in chivalry

~will listen forever...and ever... and ever...

To be continued

I lead two lives for the most part. Not lies in contrast to each other, just two very separate, different lives. The one that I live outwardly allows me to leave the house and go to work each day. It allows me to grocery shop and chit chat along the way. It projects an air of contentment, though that’s not my intention. My intention is to just get through the day.

The other one is the one who is me on the inside. The one who thinks she’s over the past, until the nightmares return. Who thinks she has a handle on this life, and then the flashbacks start. The one who could never tell another soul face to face what has really happened. There are layers. If I manage to get through the first layer, I feel like I’ve already overspent my welcome in your world. I don’t want to burden you and bring you down.

I don’t want the pity. I don’t want that to be the reason they think I need to talk about it, when ever the day comes that I do.

I just want it all to go away.

I want to be able to share with the people who claim to love me. I want to tell them…not the REAL story… (because it’s all real, even the small part they may know) but I want to share with them UN-EDITED version. The other side, that sometimes fuels the ups and downs in my outward life. I want to tell them everything. To get it off my chest. I want to unload and not be the only one who knows these things. I want to know that those who love me…would still find me lovable after hearing the un-annotated version. Even if they found me lovable after they stories are revealed, would they find me lovable that I held it in for so long? That I don’t possess the grounding to know what I can and can’t share, and what I can and can’t be held accountable for?

The thought that they might not be able to do so, keeps me from ever speaking a word.

A friend, a GOOD friend, who knows me outwardly, and may have inklings of the inward me, asked me a question a few weeks ago. It was a very telling question. No matter my reply she’d know (at least I thought) exactly what my answer really was, even if I couldn’t voice it. I panicked. I panic and my heart rate soars, I sweat, I can’t catch my breath, my world starts spinning, I bite my lip to be sure no secret words spill out, I shake my head. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I just can’t be here in this moment. I want to run away. My eyes are heavy, my head throbs and all I want to do is go to sleep. I want to disappear. I want to be absolutely invisible.

Invisibility is my friend and incredibly more appealing than ever having to really put the words out there.

Never thought in all my years (which to be honest, isn't THAT many) that I would be here. That I would be this. That I would be so.... undefined? I'm pretty sure I know who I am. I know where my soul is drawn and where it's not. I don't have any inclination of who I am or who I am supposed to be without relfecting.

Reflections.

How am I reflected back by the ones I love and choose to surround myself with? I have no one left to reflect to. I am OK not having a mirror; it makes me feel that much less visible. And I long to be ABSOLUTELY INvisible. I long to plod along, do my part, avoid direct interaction, make people happy with unexpected anonymous little what-nots. I like to make jokes and think that they're funny. I like to be a sounding board for others. I like others to know that I will LISTEN to their words, and HEAR what they are saying. I need not plan my next wise words in response. No response is necessary when one is truly listening.

And I will never let anyone else in.

Im far more this:
'Little Miss you'll go far,
Little Miss hide your scars,
Little Miss who you are is so much more than you like to talk about...'

When my path tells me I have the potential for this:
"Some wish to live within the sound of a chapel bell; I wish to run a rescue mission within a yard of hell." - CT Studd