Waiting

Oh I am SO OVER this. OVER OVER OVER. I was almost hit twice tonight driving home. Gave me flashbacks of a bad accident I was in a couple years ago. Hit head on. It was bad but I walked out of that alive. I don't know how, should have been dead. Mangled metal, fire, helicopters, ambulances, firemen, police, screams, trying to catch my breath, trying to figure out if I was opening my eyes to the world, or was I opening them to heaven? Then catching myself from willing to be dead, because that would have been SO MUCH EASIER. I did not will that tonight, I did not.

Is there something to be gained from all this? Let's say I make it through another day, another month, several years... is it all building up for something better? Am I learning something along the way? Some great anecdote that answers all these burning questions? I'm afraid the majority of the time I'm just learning how to tolerate, how to be numb. I haven't mastered how to enjoy. I don't know how to let go and JUST BE.

I am totally and completely trapped inside a life that has taken me so far from my intended path, that I can't seem to know how to work my way back. Back to a beautifully joyful peace. Back to a place of love. And trust. Not from another person per se (although that'd be great too...) but a peace, love and trust for who and what I am. I can not go back and make history rewrite itself for me. I know better than that. I need acceptance from myself of what life has dealt me. It is what it is. I can't change it. Move on.

Ever notice that sometimes things are so diluted, so complicated that it takes all your effort to just block them out to have a single thought? I think that's where I'm at. Start small. One single rational thought. Like trying to play an old piece and not quite getting it, the notes are all jumbled. But if I close my eyes and feel the keys and follow the sound... it will come.

...I will wait.

It's out there

Many things are at alternating poles of my life. I can't get them to meet in the middle; I can't explain the differences, and they constantly intrigue me. There's a budding desire in me to not just be busy in life, but to be effective. Someone I know has a sticker that says "Look busy, Jesus is coming." I think this is funny and I think it's annoying all at the same time. I don't want to fill my life with ridiculous possessions and fear-laden thoughts. I yearn to be more than just another human who is taking up air. I want to be more. What is holding me back? Then, as if this side of me may not even exist, I'd relish in just sitting back and taking a ride. I want to be on someone else's ride in life, where I don't have to make decisions, where I'm not forced to remember anything that made me ME. I want to be the passenger and take in all the beauty of the world, the country side, the sunrise, LIFE. I know it's out there. So, do I have to get outside my own life in order to learn to enjoy life, so I can take it back in my secret pocket and try to work it into my every day life? Why does it have to be so complicated? Why am I incapable of going from point A to point B in an orderly fashion? I could save so much time in this life if I just had a map and a key. Any ideas?

My quest

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

~ Erma Bombeck

I have slept most of the day today. Relaxing. Escaping. I, however, am not all together pleased when the dreams turn to nightmares and stalk me. Sometimes it's so hard to tell the difference between dream and reality. Who's life is this? Weird.

There is no thing in this life that is going to make me happy. I've got to find the peace within. There are some people who will never be happy. No matter what they have, no matter their status. There are others who are happy with nothing. Always happy. Authentically happy and at peace in their lives... so much so that when troubled waters rise, they don't dodge it or hide, they just ride it out. This is my quest.

How is one to move on? I can genuinely forgive, but I can't erase the pain, the scars are so deep. I can forgive and forget what has been done. But my subconscious knows and hurts and lashes out even when I'm sure that I've gotten past it. The anxiety seems to be swallowing me whole. Can't think of words, can't make a choice, heart is racing, heart attack? is this real or a dream? Can't someone do this for me? I really don't care what the outcome is just get me out of here.

Please.

I know this isn't "normal." That freaks me out even more. What have I become? A mechanical person who works and IS and rarely has emotions visible to the outside world. Can't trust. It isn't in my genetic make up to trust. I want to trust, I promise I do. But I try and I fail. And failure is getting really old.

Relentless

It's not so much that things have changed recently. Everything is always changing. But I've put up a strong front for so long; it's taking its toll. I'm breaking. Slowly rupturing for the world to see. Melting into a puddle that just can't hide behind the happy face any longer, because I haven't got the strength right now. I haven't got the strength to do a damn thing but sit here and type and make sure one breath after another comes out of this body.

I remember screaming at my dad years ago, "I didn't ask to be here, to be born. I'd rather just die." I meant every word of it. I've never been more truthful and vulnerable. I'll never tell another soul that again, or anything near it cause it hurts too much to try and explain the pain when they just stand there and stare at you with the blank look that just doesn't give a shit.

I have a good life on the outside. A good strategy for deflecting and keeping people beyond my safe barricade. They have no idea. NO IDEA. It's a dark world out there and a dark road that leads to my heart. This is the way I've learned to survive. I'd rather chose to be alone on the inside than try and let anyone in...and fail.

So here I am world. What have you got for me now? It's the rebel in me that's not going to let you take me down.

Known but to God

Somethings are too frighteningly painful to relive or retell or even hang on to in one's own heart. Some of these haunt me and some of them have been buried away, safe from the surface. I was thinking yesterday about a particular issue I deal with daily. It seems silly, but it controls my life. Very much obsessive compulsive. Where they hell did this come from? What created this monster within? And then I got it. A hidden inner chamber of my life's story opened up and unleashed a truth that has been feeding this addiction.

I get it. This small little part. I can't do anything to change it (yet) but I get it. Why it's here. Why I must do the things I do. I like to believe everything has a purpose and meaning. This one is known but to God.

Get a grip

I've got a friend. (Don't choke here-- it's true!) She is a WARRIOR on the inside with a perfectly humbled heart. She has conquered every hurdle with resolve and dedication. (Think... surgery seriousness here...) She takes each breath of day as a joyful encounter. She is happy after countless setbacks. She doesn't complain nor does she play the pity-me-party. She, more than anyone else I know deserves a little pick-me-up. God forbid if she actually takes a moment out for herself and I'll be damned if she isn't cornered like a bad dog needing to defend itself. I don't get it. They don't know her history. And she doesn't want them to. And so they think they are owed an explanation of her choices. This all does not compute in this head of mine. Since when were nosey people being cloned by the masses?

Don't remember

I want to be just like you. Is the grass always greener on the other side? I want to be just like anyone else as long as it doesn't have to be me. I'm tired of being me. I'm tired of all the hurts that I need to NOT remember. A weighted life that doesn't let up unless for a brief time that swallows my senses into fairty tale land where I can pretend that life is normal. That is where I want to live forever.